Baby steps

Reflections from two months of motherhood.

Sometimes it feels like while my whole world has changed, the rest of the world is moving so fast and I’m the one who is standing still. Slowly creeping ahead, step by step. Baby steps.

One step at a time — waking, cleaning, hugging, feeding, sleeping, and repeating it infinitely. Friends continue to live their lives. Colleagues do the work. Some moments make me believe I am irrelevant yet I’m the most relevant person to my child.

Everybody feels fast while to the restless soul I am, I’m standing incredibly still. But am I really?

“How is motherhood?” I am asked.

It’s hard to respond because it feels so natural and yet — everything has changed. Nothing is the same. I knew everything would change. Everybody told me so. But now that I’m living the “change”, it feels strange. I’m happy, grateful for this little bud I’ve been given to nourish and grow but it still feels strange.

I’ve always worked and found purpose and pride from it but now it’s my husband who is the one that goes to work and I stay at home. He comes home to find me sitting at home all day. Some days he says I’m in the exact same position he left me in: breastfeeding while leaning against pillows propped up to support my back.

I want to leave and take a walk and do things outside — in the sun — but the rainy British weather means it’s really hard to do that so suddenly just to step outside the house I have to consider so many factors and almost none of them are about me. It’s all about the child. Has he fed? Has he slept? Has his nappies been changed? How long will he sleep for in the stroller before he cries to be strapped to my body?

I’m learning so much about how babies grow and about my baby in particular; what he likes, and doesn’t like; what he needs from me, and how I can improve to take care of him. My brain is making so many calculations all the time yet it can feel like I’ve stopped using my brain. Like I can’t deal with complexity anymore.

I remind myself it’s not that my brain has stopped working it’s just that I’m using a part of my brain that I’ve not used in this way before. Both types of work can co-exist and over time, will continue to do so. I remind myself a life may have become monotonous and slow for me with these steps that I feel are “baby” — are huge leaps for him. The whole world is new. Every day he learns more and more about it through these leaps and sprints. And what he needs as me to be steady, loving, and always there.

In moments where I feel like no one is watching me take these steps, I tell myself it’s not true — because my baby is watching every step I make. His eyes search for me when I’m not in the room. His ears long for my voice. His body misses my warmth. Small steps for me are leaps and sprints for my baby.

I wrote this about how I feel “sometimes”. Most of the time, I love that I get to relax while watching him grow and bond with him.