Weeknotes 45: Mental health, breastfeeding and work
One specific transition I didn’t prepare well for
A few weeks ago I experienced a real dramatic dip in my mental health. So much so that friends and family were making sure I was never alone and people were checking in every few hours. I thought it was cumulative stress from an unexpectedly challenging year of work and not getting a chance to recover in between the different problem-solving I have had to take on. I’ve never spoken to a founder of a small and growing non-profit or startup that hasn’t also had a challenging year so I know I’m not alone but this year was still surprised me. Despite the challenges, I feel like this has been my strongest year as a CEO as the year really tested my resolve to stick to my principles and be resilient, and I achieved many things that are fundamental to the organisation’s future. So I should be feeling proud, which I am but I still felt like I could not go on anymore. I could not understand why I could not lift myself out of despair and at times I felt like helpless, alone and that there no way to replenish my soul’s depletion. My spirit was crushed and it was not worth fighting to keep it alive. It frustrated me that the kind of work stress I should be able to deal with usually, I just couldn’t manage. I didn’t keep any of this to myself. I shared it with some colleageus at work and with my supportive Board (huge props to them for recognising the importance of the wellbeing of leadership as much as anyone else in the organisation). All encouraged me to take time off, and offered other support which I took up. I tried taking time off and it would help a little but my heart would sink again. I took multiple showers a day to make my body and heart feel lighter. I spoke to friends, leadership coach, therapist, friends and family. Everyone helped but my mind would return to darkness. I felt vulnerable, small and weak. It was embarrassing to be spending hours crying every day — devastated and desolate.
And then yesterday it clicked. The same time I experienced this dramatic dip, I had started to stop breast feeding and eventually dropped it. After 14 months of breastfeeding, I was desperate and excited to stop. Every single breastfeeding mom had warned me about this but I didn’t add it to my calendar so it didn’t occur to me and my husband that this is what’s happening. The challenges CEOs have to face, no matter how hard, should have been manageable in other circumstances due to the strong network of support I have inside and outside the organisation. But my hormones had other ideas!
I was going back and forth about sharing this very personal thing so openly but I have been laying bare the realities of doing this work for so long that it felt strange not to share this. Though I never set out to do this, so many of you have told me you look forward to my posts about working as a mother of a young baby/toddler. So amongst all my posts of being able to manage both work and parenting well (no lies), I did want to share this transition that I did not handle well. If I had known my dip was so dramatic and felt like someone had flung me into a pit I could not climb out from was because of my body adjusting to not producing milk, I would have had so much more empathy for myself. It would have felt more manageable. I would have felt empowered in this knowledge.
I am such a big believer in finding grounding in biology. I’ve done a degree in Psychology and then went ahead to set up an organisation on healing from trauma. We put so much information about our bodies and mind into Chayn’s resources for this reason. And yet – I failed to prepare myself around this part of the parenting transition.
Both oxytocin and prolactin are produced through breastfeeding and they create feelings of calm, love, relaxation, trust and contentment. When we stop breastfeeding, both prolactin and oxytocin levels will drop — affecting our mood and sense of wellbeing. Our levels of estrogen and progesterone will rise too — leading to menstruation cycle re-starting and giving way to more mood changes and affects cognitive functions.
The shift in hormones can normalise after one or two months but may also be as long as 3 months.
I am 6 weeks into not breastfeeding! This week I have felt like a version of myself I can recognise. I am not an emotional wreck. I am able to manage stress in the ways I would usually.
I am sharing this because if you are going to stop breastfeeding, please add it to your calendar and talk about it with your partner, family, friends and coworkers! Take the time off from work if you can. Surround yourself with friends and family. Actively check-in with yourself and remind yourself that your body is adjusting. It’s ok to not feel okay!
